Navigating Family Dysfunction During the Holidays
The holidays can be tricky. Family gatherings often bring out old patterns, unresolved tension, and the occasional awkward moment. You go in hoping for joy and connection, but before you know it, someone’s brought up politics, or that thing from ten years ago rears its head again.
But it doesn’t have to ruin your season. A few simple steps can help you keep your cool and focus on what matters.
Know Your Limits
Before you walk in, take a moment to check in with yourself. Are there certain situations or people that leave you feeling drained? Maybe it’s the uncle who always stirs the pot or the cousin who seems to love “friendly” competition. Knowing where your boundaries are ahead of time can save you a lot of emotional energy.
This isn’t about being rigid. It’s about protecting your peace—because you deserve that.
Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations
Family dynamics don’t magically transform during the holidays. If you’re hoping for a picture-perfect gathering, you might end up disappointed.
It helps to focus on what you can control: your reactions, your choices, and your attitude. Let the rest unfold as it will—it’s not all on you to hold it together.
Set Boundaries That Work
Boundaries don’t have to be dramatic. They can be as simple as deciding how long you’ll stay, steering clear of certain topics, or giving yourself permission to step away if things feel tense.
For example:
“Let’s keep the conversation light today.”
“I need a quick breather; I’ll be back in a bit.”
Small, calm statements like these can go a long way in protecting your energy—and your sanity.
Choose When to Engage
Not every comment deserves your energy. Someone makes a snarky remark? You don’t have to take the bait.
Before you jump into a disagreement, ask yourself: “Is this worth it? Will I feel better or worse if I engage?” If it’s not worth it, take a breath and let it pass. You don’t need to win every argument to enjoy your day.
Plan Your Exit
It’s always good to have an exit plan. Maybe you leave at a set time, or maybe you have a backup excuse (yes, your dog might “need to be let out”).
Giving yourself an out isn’t selfish; it’s smart. Letting your host know in advance—“I’ll need to head out after a couple of hours”—makes it easy to leave when you’re ready, without any awkward goodbyes.
Stay Grounded
Dysfunctional family dynamics can feel like a storm. To keep yourself steady, find little ways to ground yourself. Maybe it’s stepping outside for fresh air, texting a friend who gets it, or even taking a moment to sit quietly with your thoughts.
These small breaks can make a big difference in how you feel.
Say No if You Need To
You don’t have to say yes to every invite or tradition. If something feels like too much this year, it’s okay to skip it. Protecting your energy isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.
Look for Bright Spots
Even in messy family gatherings, there are moments worth savoring. Maybe it’s a laugh with someone you trust, watching the kids open presents, or sneaking an extra piece of pie when no one’s looking.
Notice those moments—they’re the ones that remind you why you came.
Give Yourself Grace
Family dysfunction stirs up a lot of emotions—frustration, sadness, guilt. Let yourself feel them without judgment. You’re not responsible for fixing everything, and you’re definitely not responsible for everyone’s happiness.
Take care of yourself this holiday season. Show up in a way that feels right for you—and let the rest go.
Need support navigating family dynamics? Let’s connect. Together, we can explore strategies to build resilience and find moments of calm and connection, no matter what’s going on around you.
Lucia Arreaga is a Registered Clinical Counsellor based in North Vancouver, British Columbia. She helps people overwhelmed by life’s demands feel lighter, more grounded, and build on their existing strengths to move forward with purpose and clarity.
In her spare time, she can be found adventuring, enjoying trees and trails or sand and sea with her partner and children, her friends or her fluffy four-legged trouble-maker Harvey.
